What a Long, Strange Trip...

I'm BAACK!!! I'll have to keep my posts short and sweet, as it's pretty difficult for me to sit upright for any length of time.

Thank you all SO much for the well wishes. I've missed you guys and have been thinking about you all!

The operation was a success, so far as we can tell. It's more the internal healing that we're concerned about now. They removed all of my sigmoid colon and part of my decending colon, and fixed the fistula. (YAY!) It was touch and go for the first few days in there. They thought something was going on with my kidneys, but all tests came back good, so it was just a matter of internal swelling and trauma. I now look like a human pin cushion, what with all the blood they kept drawing. Every time they came in, I just said, "Uh, yeah...good luck finding a vein this time."

I've been cut vertically from belly-button to pelvis. Coupled with the hip-to-hip scar from the last surgery, I now have an inverted "T" on my belly, which, by the way, just happens to be the first letter of my first name. Go figure! Guess it's too late to change my name now, huh?

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I'm on the road to recovery. Every day seems to get better, but this time it's slow going, and I'm guessing it's just because of the nature of the incision.

I'm at the 'rent's for probably the better part of this week and possibly over the weekend. I long to be at home, but it's really nice to have the peeps around to help me with what used to be "the little things."

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

Love,
Lady K ;-)

NOONER!!!

Check-in time is at NOON tomorrow. I WISH it was at a hotel for some hot sex. Once this is all said and over, somebody BETTER check me into some sweet hotel for some hot sex. If not, then I needs me a nice massage, facial, pedi/mani, and some MAJOR FOOD.

This losing almost 50 lbs shit was cool for awhile, but okay...bitch needs a BigMAC or Whopper or something and some FRIES, know what I'm saying?

Let the good times roll...and keep the prayers and good vibes coming...I'll be back!!!

THIS Monday CAN'T suck, peeps.

Uh...Change of Plans

Hey kiddos! Change of plans, surgery has now been scheduled for this coming Monday, the 21st. Checking in at 12 noon, surgery commencing at around 2pm. Looks like they'll be taking out part of my colon and then fixing that nasty fistula. Honestly, even though I'm scared outta my wits, this is a relief, because I know once it's done, I'll be back to normal. Whatever THAT means, ha ha.

I'll be gone for about a week, but as soon as I get back on this crazy thing, I'll let you know what happened. I doubt they'll let me take any pictures, and besides...I don't want any "valuables" in there while I'm out of it, anyway.

Wish me luck, and keep the prayers and good vibes coming. I really appreciate all your good wishes.

Lots of luv,

~ Lady K

I want to EAT REAL FOOD, DAMMIT!!!

Here are my demands: I want a Philly CheeseSteak. The best in the country. I want the bun grilled/toasty, I want the peppers and onions PERFECT, and I want the cheese melted and gooey. AND i WANT IT WITH mushrooms AND a little garlic. AND I want some fries with vinegar.

The next day, I want a Big Mac with NO lettuce, a PLAIN BUN, extra sauce and extra pickles (the DILL kosher kind ;) ), NO middle bread, AND a fish sandwich. And fries. LOTS of them, and I mean FRESH, not those LIMP shit ones. Don't skimp on the ketchup packets, and I want some extra tartar sauce to dip those fries in, got it???

Next, I want anything off the Taco Bell menu. Then order me a pizza with extra cheese, extra pepperoni, and mushrooms.

OH! Wait. HONEY BEAR'S BBQ, shredded pork or chicken, and ANY kind of BBQ falling-off0the-bone beef ribs. Shoot, right now I want to make my OWN damn ribs. I make some really good baby backs.....

Don't get me started on ham and peas and stuff... ANY KIND OF MEAT!!!!

My mouth is watering, and I wish I had it in me to research any kind of pics, but I'd only be making you guys more hungry! LOL!

I'll just sit here and eat my fucking mashed potatoes and pudding.

FUCK.

The Coping Mechanism

Okay, so the hospital called me about some pre-op shit I have to do, namely a type/cross blood test to make sure they have my blood type there during surgery. I told the gal, "okay, just make sure the blood is at LEAST 1/3 vodka so I don't go into convulsions on the table and shit."

She didn't think that was very funny.

Just my way of dealing. Morbid? Sure! But hey, I can't rely on my looks forever. Thank GOD I have my sense of humor to fall back upon. Kinda like I had my accounting background to fall back on when I didn't quite make it as a rock star ;-)

Okay...so this test is new. Are they expecting me to bleed out or something? When I had that surgery last year, they didn't order this shit. I just had to go in, give them a bunch of info, sign zee papers, and viola: I was in the recovery room a few days later.

Apparently, this time is pretty serious. Of COURSE I'm freaking out, as well as my dog, who can't seem to stop crapping in the living room in the middle of the night lately. It's really funny how they can sense when something's wrong, isn't it? God bless her little heart. She just had a birthday, too! Six! Don't ya think it's about time she figured out that the carpet is NOT the lawn?

Anyway, I've pretty much been on mashed potatoes, jello & pudding for awhile, just to keep the pain to a minimum. Today I said FUCK IT and made some ultimate comfort food:

Oh, yeah, baby! Grilled ham & cheese, french fries (those frozen "fast food" kind) and bread&butter pickle chips. Dammit to hell, I was STARVING! I only ate about half, and the pain I'll be in for the next couple days will be worth it. Remind me I said that when I'm whining later...

I even took that pic with my new camera AND managed to download it! Once I stopped looking for a place to load the film, I was home free. LOL

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

Pics...

I TOLD y'all, I'm retarded when it comes to the new digital, and it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow. I am figuring out why, though, so for now, deal with pics from the phone:

Seriously, this above pic is NOT a "split shot." Crazy, huh?

I really DID take all of these pics here in AZ. I swear on EVERYTHING I believe in...

Happy Monday, peeps...

It's a DATE!

Oh. My. GAWD! I can't believe he asked me out. The colorectal surgeon wants me to meet him at the hospital in three weeks! I can't believe it and I'm so excited I'm beside myself! What SHALL I wear?

...

and then I woke up. I wish they were able to schedule sooner, but hey, at this point I'll take what I can get, right? As long as they get this situation fixed! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm REALLY sick of pain meds. I want to feel NORMAL again. Anyway, surgery is scheduled for 1/31. I have to check in at 6am (yay) and do a different sort of "colon blow" the night before. GROOVY! I'm gonna live it up a little bit this weekend and then just mellow out. I've got just an EKG and bloodwork to go, then it's just a waiting game. I'm expected to be IN the hospital for a whole week this time, and recovery is just like before, 4-6 weeks. Oh, happy day.

This truly does suck ass. (HA! Another pun!)

Hey, how about instead of giving y'all a shot of my skinnier ass for HNT, I give you a really cool pic of the sunrise I took with my new camera this morning while walking the dog? Yeah? Okay. This was at about 6:45am, looking eastward...GAWJUSS! And COLD! The temp was only 39!

I am SO retarded when it comes to this thing. I'm so used to the cameraphone and its simplicity. Everything happens for a reason, right? I'll have plenty of time to figure out this software pretty soon. Oh, that and play with my pottery wheel. Yeah. THOSE should be some funny pictures.

Happy Thursday, peeps. Let the good times roll while they can!

Okay, Here's the Dealio

Sorry, kids, I just didn't feel up to writing last night. I had a lot of information to digest. Pun TOTALLY intended, ha ha.

It's definitally a fistula. Going from my colon to my vaginal wall. It gets worse by the day, and the colorectal doc/surgeon wants to get it taken care of as soon as possible. SO, he sent me for yet another CT scan today to make sure there was no abcess, because my abdomen is so tender. The GOOD side of it is,(besides the fact that I've lost almost 50 pounds ~ NOT embellishing, that number IS 50), because it IS a fistula, I didn't have to drink the thick nasty barium, but some solution that tasted a LOT like lemonade. I wasn't allowed to drink or eat anything before, so being thirsty when I got there made that stuff go down like WATER. YEAH.

Well, the last cup was a doozy, but I'll take that over 1/2 gallon of "vanilla" barium in a 45-minute span any day. They said they wanted to do another enima, but I refused. Come ON. Three plus a colonoscopy in a couple of months is enough, don't ya think?

I went to work after that. I was exhausted, but muddled. Ya know.

When I got home, I got a message to call the scheduler-gal at the colon doc, which means they probably have a date for everything. This is a FOUR HOUR surgery. (A FOUR hour tour...) How can I EVEN expect people to wait this long? They should just go see a movie or something. Come ON! Sudoku and crosswords and books can ONLY hold your attention for so long. Let alone the perpetual CNN shit they have on those horrible TV monitors in the waiting room. Thank GOD I'll be unconcious. HA! When I was waiting for all my tests, I pulled chairs up to step up to those TV's and changed 'dem damn channels. AW, HEAYALL YEAH.

This is about to get pretty REAL, y'all... LOL Everybody Poops, and hopefully I won't be doing it out of two places for much longer. I'm too young for this shit. LOL, I said SHIT.

YEAH. I'm scared. I'll keep you guys posted. YES, I still have SOME faith left. The docs are being really cool, the nurses sympathetic, and most importantly, my family and friends are cooler and more supportive than I could ever hope for. Thanks, peeps, for the good vibes. I mean it. Keep 'em coming. Big love. BIG.

Nah, Nah Nah Nah....

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself

To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon

And it's one more night in Hollywood

It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should

(eh, see the previous post)

No Shit!

Alright. Enough is enough. The pain, the baby-poo looking shit coming out my PUSSY all the time, and now the sqeaking from my dryer. OH, the squeeeeeeaking!

And what did that motherfucker DO to me during that surgery in august???????!!!!!

It's bad enough that the heating element went out in my clothes dryer and I had to keep everything on "fluff." They came last wednesday to check the heating element and NOW my dryer squeaks like a cricket being raped by a coyote.

Seriously. It's loud and annoying as fuck.

Can a girl GET a fucking BREAK here?

I gotta admit, right now I'm freaking out. My faith is REALLY being tested. I've got physical shit (no pun) going on, my appliances are on the fritz, my car's fucked up, and don't even get me started about the work situation. The jokes keep coming, yet why don't *I*??? If I'm not fixed and able to get laid soon I'm gonna go postal on someone. (Limpy, insert lewd comment here)

And "they" say GOD doesn't give you more than you can handle. Who's GOD are "they" talking about???

Fuck an A RIGHT I'm pissed. You would be, too, if you knew you could die over this stupid shit. FUCK. OH! I went to legalzoom.com and THEY want $35 to write a fucking WILL! I cannot believe they CHARGE you to TELL people what you want to do with YOUR OWN BELONGINGS! It's SICK!

If I've done anything to piss anyone off in the course of this blog, sorry. If not, well I'm about to do it even more, so fuck off. ha ha! And DAMMIT, Bradley, give me some recipes for soft yet filling food!

I'm sure I'll have more tomorrow...

Happy New Year, Peeps!

I don't have any new pics for ya, I'm on pain meds, and I'm afraid to carry my new camera for fear of losing it. LOL

Here's the deal. Follow up with the colon doc is Monday. I'm in SUPER MAJOR FUCKED UP UNREAL pain, and passing gas AND food out my vag. I know, GROSS, huh?

I'm gonna write a book: "Fistula: It Sucks Ass" LMAO

I'm running out of pain meds, and the pain is worse than anything I've ever experienced. I'd rather have 32 ROOT CANALS than go thru this. FOUR vicadins and a vodka tonic do NOT even touch this pain. I'm serious.

This is really sucking HARDER than I usually do on Christmas Eve behind the VFW, ha ha, Limpy, beat you to it

2007 sucked, but once they get me all fixed up, 2008 should be promising. Either that, or everything I own will go to good use and my best friend can just sell all my sex toys on ebay, ha ha! I've been told I could die if this thing busts open. They've got me taking my temperature like a chick on fertility pills wanting a baby. How ironic is THAT shit? LOL! If it gets above 100 I'm on my way to the ER. Can't wait for THAT shit, you KNOW how the emergency room can be. I can't believe this shit is happening.

I'm sick of the antibiotics, I'm sick of the heartburn, the vomiting, the rectal piss, the enemas, and just sick of the whole dealio. I TRY to joke, but it's starting to get quite depressing. Not to mention the pain. Hey, I always said I wanted to know what it's like to give birth...try pushing a little piece of pizza through something 1 MILLIONTH of the size of your intestin through the eye of a needle (or through your dickhole, guys).

Thanks again for all the great wishes! I'll letcha'll know what is going on. Monday will tell me more. Until then, I'm gonna TRY to get some good pics with the new camera...we're supposed to get some weather down here in the next couple days.

Sorry, just venting over here. I really REALLY hope you all had a GREAT, happy, healthy new year! Much love from the valley of the sun!!!