My MUMPS! My MUMPS! My lovely LADY MUMPS...
What am I...EIGHT? I went to the doc, thisclose to surgery, because my throat's been bothering me for the last couple days and if I get sick they just won't do the "getitthefuckoutomy" I've been needing/dreading for the past year. Doc wasn't available, so the nurse practitioner came in. She feels me up and tells me she thinks I have the mumps. YES, I said MUMPS.
NP says she needs to pull DOCTORMAN in for a sec, even though HE's the one I wanted to see in the first place. We won't go there... HE says, "yeah, you have all the symptoms for mumps, but from what I'm seeing, your Parotid gland might have a STONE."
Okay...kidney stones I could deal with. Gallstones, maybe. But passing a stone through one of my salivatory glands? (insert gagging noises here) HOO BOY. I asked, "HOW does one actually PASS a STONE through there?" The NP replied, "well, it comes out in your mouth. Most people don't even know it's there."
I'm thinking..."Hmm...it'd be kinda like eating Grape Nuts, right? You're just munching away on a cheeseburger or a salad something and all of a sudden.....'OH! CRUNCH...musta been that Parotid stone I've been wanting to pass for so long...' EEWWW. "
Sorry, but that is SO SERIOUSLY not getting it for me.
All this, my hair is beyond short and WAY beyond the color it needs to be, I feel like shit, and I might have to postpone the "getitoutomy" yet again.
My only salvation was brotherman's suggestion to go HERE . God only knows why the Blackeyed Peas did their original version of this, but God bless Alanis for her parody. I sure as hell need the laughs right now.
Happy Hump Day, kiddos. Thank god it's not "mump day." ha ha
BTW: Has ANYONE seen NONNY? Seriously.