Tuesday, April 17, 2007

MUMP DAY!

My MUMPS! My MUMPS! My lovely LADY MUMPS...

What am I...EIGHT? I went to the doc, thisclose to surgery, because my throat's been bothering me for the last couple days and if I get sick they just won't do the "getitthefuckoutomy" I've been needing/dreading for the past year. Doc wasn't available, so the nurse practitioner came in. She feels me up and tells me she thinks I have the mumps. YES, I said MUMPS.

Wha-Wha-WHAAT??

NP says she needs to pull DOCTORMAN in for a sec, even though HE's the one I wanted to see in the first place. We won't go there... HE says, "yeah, you have all the symptoms for mumps, but from what I'm seeing, your Parotid gland might have a STONE."

STONE???

Okay...kidney stones I could deal with. Gallstones, maybe. But passing a stone through one of my salivatory glands? (insert gagging noises here) HOO BOY. I asked, "HOW does one actually PASS a STONE through there?" The NP replied, "well, it comes out in your mouth. Most people don't even know it's there."

I'm thinking..."Hmm...it'd be kinda like eating Grape Nuts, right? You're just munching away on a cheeseburger or a salad something and all of a sudden.....'OH! CRUNCH...musta been that Parotid stone I've been wanting to pass for so long...' EEWWW. "

Sorry, but that is SO SERIOUSLY not getting it for me.

All this, my hair is beyond short and WAY beyond the color it needs to be, I feel like shit, and I might have to postpone the "getitoutomy" yet again.

Damn.

My only salvation was brotherman's suggestion to go HERE . God only knows why the Blackeyed Peas did their original version of this, but God bless Alanis for her parody. I sure as hell need the laughs right now.

Happy Hump Day, kiddos. Thank god it's not "mump day." ha ha

BTW: Has ANYONE seen NONNY? Seriously.

Treble

9 comments:

captain corky said...

Damn Sister you got it rough sometimes, but I find it very encouraging that you manage to stay positive and have a good sense of humor.

Haven't seen or heard from Nonny in Months.

Lady K said...

cork ~ LOL! Sometimes it's really hard to look at the bright side of your life, but if I didn't I'd go insane. Oh, wait, I'm already there. ha ha!

limpy99 said...

I was actually just going to ask you if you had any inside dirt on Nonny.

Parotid Stone? Jesus, I learn something new everyday.

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

You poor woman! Do you get ice-cream out of the deal?

I've sent a note to Nonny, but I've not heard from her. To say I'm worried is the least of it.

Callie said...

Goodness, sweetie. Hope you don't have to delay the procedure! When will you know for sure?

And I haven't heard from Nonny at all. I think she disowned us.

Fridaysweb said...

Maaaannnn...I had this really kick-ass sarcastic reply going on when Blogger decided that grand street interactive (do yall get that when an "error" occurs?)was a much better alternative to my sarcastic tongue.

To summarize the eaten reply:
don't eat seedy things for fear of swalling something you shouldn't and I'm not drinking the water in AZ if I ever get there...it's gotta be in the water, Darlin'
xoxo

Schelle said...

Glad my little wombat could cheer you up ;D

Jerrster said...

uh sorry...but ANY medical talk gives me pains in my almonds....my man-lumps maybe.

Big Pissy said...

Lord have mercy, woman!

You have the WORST luck!

The mumps?!?!?

I had them in 5th grade. I remember b/c I missed the Valentine's Day party at school and I was PISSED! *LOL*

Hope you feel better really soon! :)

as for Nonny....I was going to ask YOU if you'd heard from her.

I miss her.... :(